Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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