You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize
