What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
