I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
