Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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