um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Tornado booty call.. dedication
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
