I'm really into asian looking animals
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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