I want to make a zoo with you.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
