so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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