how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
