Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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