Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
