you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
