Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
