legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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