I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
