your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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