Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
