she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Randomize
