Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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