i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I think I just sharted jello shots
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize