we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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