im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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