Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
