Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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