i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
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