No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
