margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
