I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
 go to hell.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
