Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
