yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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