He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
