is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
