So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
