Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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