So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
