Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
