My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
It all started with a game of naked twister.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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