My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize