did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
