So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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