either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Randomize
