Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize