Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
