he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
There's always time for handjobs
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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