I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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