those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize