Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
