3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize