I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
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