Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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