I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I touched a dick in church today
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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