he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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