fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
if i can run in heels then i can drive
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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