She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Randomize
