yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
