apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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