Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
