i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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