How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize