So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
His nipple licking is glorious
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
