You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
