Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
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