My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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